This Is The Primary Reason Why People Cheat On Their Partners
What genuinely drives an individual to be unfaithful? The reality is, individuals cheat for a vast array of motives, and a recent study featured in The Journal of Sex Research identified the top factors behind why people stray.
Researchers polled 495 adults, averaging 20 years old, asking if they had ever been unfaithful in a relationship and, if applicable, what drove them to do it. Because the questionnaire was quite broad, the investigators categorized the replies by shared themes, ultimately identifying 77 distinct motives for infidelity.
Out of all the explanations provided, the top reason individuals cheat is a “deficit of affection.” Actually, 77 percent of the replies either directly mentioned it (such as “I had ‘lost feelings for’ my main partner”) or hinted at it in some way. “Although the immediate response to being cheated on is usually assuming the cheater has lost feelings, the more precise explanation is that the unfaithful individual no longer feels valued by their partner,” explains Chelsea Leigh Trescott, a relationship specialist and Founder of Breakupward, to Bustle.
Relationship and Wellness Coach Shula Melamed, MA, MPH, agrees that a “deficit of affection” might also indicate the individual senses a shortage of gratitude, focus, and fun within the partnership. Naturally, a more constructive way to handle these matters would be to dedicate more energy to the partnership and talk with their partner rather than straying. “Affection is an action, a practice, and a capability,” she notes. “It is an active process of doing rather than a state you simply exist in. Affection must be cultivated, refreshed, and never assumed.”
So, experiencing a deficit of affection in the partnership is the primary catalyst for cheating, but what are the other factors? Here are seven additional major motives, based on the study.
1 They Wanted A Variety Of Sexual Partners Replies like “I wanted a wider variety of sexual partners” ranked as the second leading motive for cheating. Just like any other justification for straying, licensed marriage and family therapist Racine R. Henry, Ph.D., tells Bustle, “it is almost never about how one partner feels about the other. Most of the time, the cheater feels overlooked, bored, and/or invincible.” Therefore, if you have ever been cheated on, never assume it is because you are deficient in some way, such as in the bedroom.
2 They Felt Overlooked “A shortage in feeling valued and appreciated frequently results in cheating,” marriage and family therapist Dr. Caroline Madden tells Bustle. When one partner feels dismissed, hurt, or unappreciated, yet does not want to break up, cheating can appear to be the optimal way to get the focus they yearn for. As the study revealed, 70 percent reported they strayed because they felt overlooked.
3 A Situational Excuse “I was drunk and not thinking straight” or similar types of justifications were provided by 70 percent of participants. If you have been given the excuse that your partner was intoxicated and unaware of what was happening, you might find yourself looking for any “real” motives behind it. You might feel like they do not genuinely love you or maybe they do not truly want to be with you if they can easily cheat while drunk — but that is not always the reality.
“Generally speaking, cheating does not necessarily equate to the love for one’s partner,” family and relationship psychotherapist and author Dr. Fran Walfish tells Bustle. “If the person cheated just once, and shows genuine remorse, regret, empathy, and apologizes, the breach of trust can be mended with two willing partners.”
4 To Boost Their Own Self-Esteem The urge to boost their own self-esteem was a major catalyst for 57 percent of individuals. “They consciously or unconsciously are feeling insecure and use the seduction and conquest of an extramarital encounter to feel good about themselves,” Rhonda Milrad, LCSW, relationship therapist and Founder of the online relationship community Relationup, tells Bustle.
Perhaps they feel insecure about something external, like their career, age, or looks. Other times, they simply feel helpless in their relationship and need a way to reclaim that power. “Sometimes, however, they cheat because their insecurity stems from feelings of insignificance or unworthiness that they experienced in their family of origin that continue to haunt them,” she notes.
5 Out Of Anger Getting back at their partner for cheating or simply being furious after an argument was the sixth leading motive for why people strayed, with 43 percent citing it as their primary catalyst.
6 Feeling Disconnected From Their Partner Experiencing very little dedication to their partner was the reason 41 percent of individuals reported they cheated.
7 For Sexual Intimacy Roughly a third of participants reported they strayed for no other motive than the simple fact that they just wanted to have sex.
Overall, the study revealed men were more prone to cheat for variety, sexual intimacy, and situational motives, whereas women were more inclined to cheat because they felt overlooked or ignored. Character traits also influenced why an individual chose to stray. For example, individuals with dedication problems were more driven by sexual variety, while hopeless romantics cheated due to a deficit of affection and dedication.
But ultimately, specialists emphasize it is crucial to understand that being cheated on is not your responsibility. No matter what an individual’s motive for cheating might be, when it comes down to it, it is genuinely about them and not you.